>the kids stay out of the picture

>The Big Fight:

I’m sorry. I was going to tell you. I started to tell you. And then you were so understanding. And then there were gifts and curled ribbons–

Grace, Grace, bottom line. Do you wanna have this baby with me, or not?

You said I could have more time.

That was before I found out you were sneakin’ around behind my back. If you wanna back outta this, back out now. I don’t wanna have this conversation again in a month like we did with the cabinets. [MOCKING GRACE] “I like the nickel pulls. No, I like the brass pulls. Oh, no, I like the nickel pulls again.” Make up your friggin’ mind!

So what you’re saying is, if I don’t do it tomorrow, you don’t want to do it at all?

That’s right, Grace. It’s now or never.

Well, if that’s the case, I guess I have to go with never.

Oh, I can’t believe this! This is only the most important thing we’ve ever done together, and you flake out on me? I don’t know why that’s surprising. You’re a flake!

I am not a flake!

Oh, please. The dinners you blow off, the dry cleaning you forget to pick up, the rent that’s late every month, and it’s always been this way, Grace. You skipped out on my law school graduation party before I cut the cake. That was a big deal.

It was carrot cake! That’s never a big deal!

But I always let it go, Grace, because it’s not like we’re making a baby or something. Except this time, we’re making a baby!

Yes, at the moment you say, the place you say, wearing the clothes you say. You are a control freak! All I asked for was one month, one month to see where this is going.

Oh, let me tell you where this is going. You’ll end up hating him in three weeks, because–I don’t know, he has a weird chest hair pattern, or he doesn’t like watching E! Or he’ll end up hating you, because you’re too needy. Then you’ll fall apart, I’ll pick you up, and then, magically, you’ll be ready to have a baby!

Wow. So that’s what you think of me. Look, I’m sorry that I met someone, ’cause I know how much you hate it when I’m happy.

Oh, that is such a load–

Admit it. You’re happiest when I’m miserable. I mean, come on. Isn’t that our thing? Because then you don’t have to look at how miserable you are.

Shut up, Grace!

But I am not gonna be miserable for you. I am gonna try to be happy, and if you can’t deal with that, then you are even more pathetic than I thought!

Get out of here.

Go to hell!

I want you out of here in two weeks! You don’t live here anymore.

Thanks to Rob Durfee.

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