I’m doing the Fifteen Day Challenge – click here to read original post and view the list of fifteen challenges.
I’m pretty much aware that I was supposed to do this daily – but life got in the way, so sorry.
Six years and some months ago, I felt the familiar wave of loneliness crashing in. But unlike the rapid torrential collision of a wave, loneliness tends to be in slow motion. It’s like watching five minutes pass by but feels like an hour.
That known feeling is here again. I feel lonely.
I’ve been seeing the same guy for the past three years now. It was fun, most of the time, with hiccups here and there and until recently, late last year, was when the first real blow to the relationship was felt. This led to me talking to my mom and dad – two people I never talk to regarding relationships mainly because they were not able to keep theirs. My blueprint was a mess, and I’ve always blamed that whenever I see the flaws in the architecture of my relationships. Needless to say, their words of support and advice was a big help, and that was able to make me realize that what my boyfriend and I have going on is fixable. Three months after the break up, we got back together, and things are probably better than they were before.
Why am I lonely then? Eight million people in this metropolis, and being in a relationship – one would think I should be far from feeling alone. I wake up every morning in a bed devoid of companionship, a very bad start of a reminder of being alone. A 45-minute commute to work among strangers. An 8-hour day of pushing papers and staring at numbers. After work, I see my boyfriend briefly – because he has to meet someone, or got other plans, or just have to go home. He’s substantially became my drug – those few hours of taking the edge off, but trying not to be totally dependent on it because it will be taken away from me shortly. Sic transit gloria mundi. Then I head back home again to a bed fit for one.
I wish the solution is easy: meet new friends, get in touch with old ones, live together with the boyfriend. Simple answers but they only relieve the symptoms of loneliness. And I finally found the reason why I feel alone: it’s because I lost myself.
Close friends know me as someone who is very sure of my steps, someone confident with every action I make, someone positive with his every choice. This is what I lost, my self-assurance. I lost this when the walls I built over time around me came crashing down when I realized I was lied to, by many people, most of them I hold closest to me. It is bad enough I lost trust on people I love, but I also realize that I also cannot trust myself. I’d like to think that anyone who spent a lot of time reinforcing the fortresses around their hearts would agree with me that it’s not easy to let someone in because we know what it was like when we were hurt before.
So that’s where I stand – acknowledging the fact that I am a work-in-progress. I understand that I can still build a wall, but not forget a door might be needed.