Bye, 2011 – You Are Sooo Last Year

The good thing about keeping a planner is you have a tangible log of what happened in the past twelve months. I’ve always had a Moleskin planner. I’ve gone through pocket-sized weekly planners, an A4-sized weekly, and 2011 – I went with a bold red weekly. Starting 2012, knowing how busy I started to get since I got my new job in August, I opted for a medium-sized daily planner.

JANUARY:
I started 2011 with quite a bang – dinner with Andy’s family. It was actually the first time I met most of them, and that was when I realized how Greek my boyfriend is when he is among his own kind. Even their dog barked in Greek.
Andy and I, together with his best friend and his then-wife, went to Atlantic City. It wasn’t exactly my first time over there, but it was the first time I stayed there, watched everyone gamble and tried the buffet.
I also started the year in a cultural high point: I attended a talk by Melissa Harris Perry about Martin Luther King’s dream as it relates to today’s economy; saw independent films like Bad Writing, and Kaboom; saw lots of stand-ups like John Oliver, Mosher Kasher, Maria Bamford, Myq Kaplan and John Mulaney; checked out Cole Escola’s one man show in Joe’s Pub; saw Andy Warhol’s polaroids in a Chelsea Gallery. And that’s just January!

FEBRUARY:
Mom spends half the time in the Philippines and half the year here. I picked her up from JFK on a very cold February evening, and she stayed with me until September.
Andy and I had one of our mini-trips, we went to Philly and then checked out the aquarium across the Delaware. Did not know how crazy he is about sharks. Also visited the Mutter Museum because we are both sick fucks.
I made the mistake of watching I am Number Four.
I discovered Kristin Schaal and Jessi Klein.

MARCH:
Took the time to help out my friend Ryan to move her stuff from her dad’s place to a storage joint in NJ. She promised herself to move out by the time she turns 30. She was off by three months.
I attended my first Armory Show. I fell in love with the show.
Andy made me his plus one to a Sega event that happens to be on my birthday. I’m not a gamer, so it was hard to appreciate the event. It was a good thing it was an open bar, and he took me out for dinner.
I saw Janeane Garofalo perform.
I signed up for New York Cares, I have yet to do any volunteer work.
Andy brought me to a Stephen Colbert taping.
I made the mistake of watching Sucker Punch. On IMAX. The mistake was clearer.

APRIL:
I saw Hanna. I am convinced the lead actress is amazing as fuck after seeing her in Atonement.
Andy got me a PlayBook. He’ll never top that gift ever. But it should not stop him from trying. As often as he can. (Reminder to self: send this blog entry to Andy).
On Good Friday, while I was celebrating a friend’s birthday with beer and waffle-and-chicken-flavored cupcakes, my great grandmother passed away. I flew the following week to attend the funeral. The same weekend Osama bin Laden was killed. I have yet to deny I was involved in either deaths.
I suggested to Andy that if we have a child, a daughter, we will name her Emma Angelina Margarita Ura Quinoa Asimakis-Maes. I was only half kidding.

MAY:
Saw Bridesmaids. Who didn’t?
Saw Thor. Who didn’t?
Went to Hawaii to see attend my cousin’s graduation. I convinced my grandmother that “Dole” is Hawaiian for pineapple. She hit me in the back of my head. Cousins Meg, Britt and I had tattoos.
I went to the Castro in San Francisco.

JUNE:
Saw X-Men: First Class. I wanted to shatter January Jones.
Saw Super 8. I watch movies too often.
Saw Lea Salonga in The Carlyle with Ryan. Two years in a row.
I mixed pinot, orange juice, clubsoda, lemons, limes, strawberries and blue berries – and got drunk by myself at home on a summery sangria.

JULY:
Andy finally met my dad and that side of the family. I took him to my cousin Dan’s wedding which was in the family cabin in Colorado. I teased Andy about the possibility of being eaten by bears or mountain lions. I was only half kidding.
From Colorado, my brother Saul came with me for his 16th birthday gift – a trip to New York. We did PG-13 touristy stuff. I took him to a predominantly-gay neighborhood. I took him to the Bronx.
Amy Winehouse died. I’m still sad about it.
Saw Savage Beauty in the Met. It was amazing. I wish Alexander McQueen is still around.

AUGUST:
Listened to Fuck Me Pumps the whole month since Winehouse died.
Family from Mom’s side came over for a visit. I had fun.
Went to Amsterdam.
Saw The Help.
Saw Fuerza Burta.

SEPTEMBER:
My Friend Lindsay and I went to see Sleep No More. There were boobies and penises. We picked an ass and followed it all night.
Went to Philly with Andy. Again. We saw mummies. We saw monkeys. In separate venues. Though wouldn’t it be cool if it was in the same room?
Went to The Bell House to see the cast of Archer. It was an amazing night.
Saw The Debt. Second Jessica Chastain movie I saw. She’s something.
I had my chin mole shaved to get a biopsy. I do not have cancer.
Tried to give my boyfriend a good time for his birthday. He had fun, he enjoyed it – but it did not match the birthday bash his friend arranged for him. I still have bitter feelings about it.

OCTOBER:
Ryan and I went to Amish country, Paradise, Pennsylvania. Ryan took a picture of me eating corn in a maze: I was a Maes, eating maize, in a corn maze. It was like Inception, but with corn.
Another trip to Amsterdam.
Attended an amazing birthday party – in a penthouse Andy arranged for the same guy that threw him his birthday bash. This why I still have bitter feelings about it – because I’m a jealous fuck.
Andy’s friend Stephanie took us to Luna Park in Coney Island. It was the greatest Halloween I ever had.

NOVEMBER:
Another good month for independent films: Martha Marcy May Marlene and Margin Call. My film cred was ruined when I saw Immortals.
Saw a small show called Quest of the Hero. Andy said it was a surprise for me, but it was more of a surprise for him. But it was still a surprisingly good production.
Saw Susie Essman live in Caroline’s. It was a great show especially if you’re a Jew. I wasn’t, but I’m Jew-ish.
I hated Thanksgiving this year. I actually wrote that down on my planner. I even wrote “fuck turkey”.

DECEMBER:
Low point work-wise – started the month firing my staff. It was horrible.
Ryan and I visited the tree in 30 Rock. The only NY tradition we’ve never broken since I moved to the east coast.
First time I’m mentioning it, but this was the fourth time I saw Bridget Everett this year. I’ve seen most of her act, but I keep coming back to see her again.
Spent Christmas with my brothers and sisters in Colorado.
Saw Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I’m ending 2011 in a low note. Plans fell through with the boyfriend, so I’m home right now, watching Times Square chaos on my tv. Dick Clark should rest. Lady Gaga is singing Heavy Metal Lover, and Marry the Night. The night sucks, but I’ll try to remember this night so I won’t forget to not let it happen again. Will be spending the whole day with Andy tomorrow as his way of making up for tonight.

Who cares if I don’t get a kiss at midnight, when I can have hours and hours of holding his hand tomorrow?

2012 will have a great start. Can’t wait.

Well Someone is Curious About Me

I wouldn’t call myself interesting. I’m pretty plain Jane. Well I guess I am interesting the same way you’d click on an article in The Huffington Post about a horse dropping dead in Central Park. That shit is interesting. Healthy horses don’t just drop dead.

Been a lazy after-Christmas day, my brothers and I have been playing Marvel vs Capcom and Call of Duty while my sister Angel is either fixated to her iTunes playlist or checking her phone for text messages. I decided I wanna write about my dark dining experience a week ago. I logged on to WordPress and BAM! Eighty-four hits in one day. It’s nothing to brag about, but only family and Facebook friends really read this shit I write. But looking into it, somebody’s been Googling me. More specifically, me and my boyfriend Andy.

The picture below is grainy – my BlackBerry Bold is not the most amazing thing on earth (close, but it’s not). But someone out there searched for “ken maes boyfriend andy”. That’s cute. I feel like a celebrity. Anyway, who are you? Don’t be shy, I don’t bite.

Dear RIM

Dear RIM,
Yesterday, around 5pm, I experienced something I never wanted to experience again. JVM Error 102. For non-BlackBerry users, they are the lucky ones who would never know what this error is. For heavy BlackBerry users, this is your worst nightmare.
It’s an error that happens when there is a corrupted file in your smart phone. Your smart phone, being smart, won’t boot with a corrupted file. It doesn’t sound smart, but that’s what it is. It refuses to turn on. You end up staring at a white screen. It won’t even tell you what time it is. It’s a paperweight.
I went through the different forums in Crackberry.com, my number source of anything BlackBerry related issues. And it was evident that I had to wipe my phone clean. Start from the start. As if I just bought my phone and it’s empty.
Luckily, I back up my phone. Though this time, I haven’t backed it up for almost a month. I can deal with it – it’s not acceptable, but it’s what’s available. I’ll take it.
My BlackBerry Bold is okay again. It can even tell what time it is. But I know it’s not okay. It’s basically a rape victim. It looks fine, but you don’t know what it went through, and nobody needs to know unless you tell them what had happened.
Moments like this, an Apple iPhone looks like a viable alternative. But in the mean time RIM, I’ll take pants off and will sit on your face. You owe me a job bearing your corporate name.
Ken